Oh, holy cow ..

This is the audio equivalent of watching a train wreck. Cover your dogs’ ears! And it just keeps getting worse …

Gross

We were at Garden Ridge recently and the kids had to go to the bathroom. As Gabriel’s not old enough to go in the men’s restroom himself, I let him go in the women’s room with Mikaela and I. When we walked in, Gabriel sniffed and said, “It smells like the cafeteria.”

I guess the lunchroom food hasn’t changed much since my days in school.

To heck with compasses, just find a bovine

CNN reported on a study that says most cows point north. I’m sure the scientists were very mooooved by their findings.

Yes, we’re both 10 years old

Jay and I are giggling at a show on the History channel about the Flagellants (sounds an awful lot like “flatulence”). They keep saying things like, “… they called for the Flagellants to disperse,” “… Flagellants movement,” and something about a Flagellants party. They have to be throwing those lines in on purpose.

Oh my

I don’t know what it is with my daughter today. This morning during our homeschool session, I asked the kids to tell me two of something that they had on their bodies (I was thinking eyes, hands, feet … something like that). Mikaela promptly hopped up off her chair, smacking one … um, “cheek” and then the other. Yes, now we know she has two cheeks. Or, make that 4. Snort.

Anyway, the crude-fest continued this afternoon. A man had come to fix the deadbolt on our back door, which is in the back part of our living room. I was on my computer with my back to him (writing an earlier blog, actually), and the kids were behind me, watching TV. I heard a belch and said without turning around, “say excuse me.”

Both of my kids answered with “excuse me.”

I turned around and said, “no, only the person who burped needs to say excuse me. Who did it?”

Without missing a beat, Mikaela said, “the man did it.”

I turned around to see the repairman stifle a laugh.

Count it off

We’re still working on the concept of 1, 2, 3 GO!

It could happen to you

Today I went to Target with Mikaela, stopping off at the restroom before I started on my shopping. As soon as we got in the stall and … uh, seated…. Mikaela exclaims, “WOW, MAMA, YOU GOT RED PANTIES ON!”

Thanks. I’m sure the rest of the store really wanted to know that.

I’m bad, but not THAT bad

Jay is always ragging on me about my addiction to soda. First it was Dr Pepper, and now it’s Coke. So yesterday when I was running around trying to get the house ready for company, I somehow found myself in the bathroom with a bottle of Coke, which I set down on the edge of the sink.

Later in the day, Jay went in the bathroom and called out: “Why is there a Coke in the bathroom? Wow, you ARE addicted.”

Exchange

My dad told me a story about something that happened to him this morning and I’m still laughing. He is a regular at a certain gas station along his courier route, and usually makes conversation with the woman inside. This morning, he walked in to that same gas station and the woman was there, along with another man, behind the counter:

Woman behind counter (speaking to my dad): what’s the matter? You look upset today.

Dad: No, I’m not wearing my glasses, and I’m just an ugly old man.

Man behind counter: You don’t look that old.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Boy Band Creator Sentenced to Prison

The Statesman ran an article on Lou Pearlman’s (the infamous creator of both N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys) recent trial and prison verdict.

Now, Pearlman was allegedly on trial for fraudulently bilking investors out of their money. But do we really believe that’s why he’s going to the slammer?

Maybe we can find a way to go after the people behind New Kids on the Block now.

Out of the mouths of babes

You never know what Mikaela is going to say. She makes us laugh every day.

This morning, she looked at the entryway floor and said, “Mama, this ‘sgusting” (disgusting). Guess it’s time to mop!

This afternoon, Jay had a bloodshot eye and he asked her how it looked. She said, “It looka kinda terrible!”

Perhaps I’ve visited the drive-thru too much lately

Gabriel was at speech therapy on Friday and his therapist was asking him to name things in certain categories. She asked him to name something large.

He replied, “uh … a Large Diet Dr. Pepper.”

Recent email forward

So, there I was . . . just relaxing in front of the T.V. when the kids yelled, “Hey Dad, come see the kittens.”

Well, I thought it was funny!

I told my dad a joke last night:

Me: Knock knock?

Him: Who’s there?

Me: Interrupting cow.

Him: Interrupting c- Me: MOO!

I thought it was about the funniest thing I’d ever heard, and I expected that he would appreciate it too.

My mom just told me that they got a bigger laugh agreeing over the fact that I must have cabin fever being cooped up with the kids and need to get out more!

Fish story

I recently saw this photo of Jay when he was a kid. Hysterical.

Random stuff

Sorry I’ve been blogging about nothing but Gabriel and his issues lately. I’m actually getting a lot of web hits on these issues, and I feel good about potentially helping people out. I’ve considered launching a separate blog for all of that, but I’m not sure yet.

What my daughter thinks of my photo-taking

Today

Today we took the van for a much-needed oil change. While in the waiting room, a 5-year-old little boy tried to strike up a conversation with Gabriel, but Gabriel remained silent. Finally, the 5-year-old turned to me and asked “what’s his name?”

“Gabriel,” I replied.

The 5-y-o tried to say his name, “G- Ga-, Gabe (pause) It would be more better if your name was Daniel!”

Yuck.

It’s supposed to be 95 degrees tomorrow. Something tells me this summer’s going to be a long, hot one.

Last summer, I coined a new state motto: Texas – the Hell State.

It hasn’t quite caught on yet.

Speaking of state mottos, I got this in a forwarded email once and thought it was funny:

 New State Mottos

Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong! 

Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everything

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: “10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes”

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney…

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!

Wisconsin: Come Smell Our Dairy Air

Wyoming: Wynot?

Well, not exactly …

Gabriel was reading a farm animal book earlier, when he pointed to a picture of a chicken and said, “look, mama! Chicken nuggets!”

Cute

Jay, the kids and I attend a small group once a week for a Bible study. The parents conduct the Bible study at one house, and child care is at another house nearby. Each week, two parents from the group take a turn keeping the kids (there’s 14 kids between us, from infants to preschool age).

As you can imagine, it’s usually pretty chaotic. Yesterday was no exception, but we managed to get the kids settled down (somewhat) for a Bible story about the creation of the world. Karen led the lesson while I was in the kitchen, fixing a snack for when storytime was over. I overheard Karen ask the kids, “who can tell me what God made on the third day?”

Will, a two-year-old piped up, “Tractors?”

Caught red … uh, forearmed

Meet stinky

I bought this doll for my daughter today as a belated birthday present (last time I went to the store, they were out of it).

After we took the doll out of the box, it had a very strong vinyl/plastic-y smell. After I noticed that Mikaela wasn’t playing with it, I asked her if she liked her doll, to which she replied: “oh, MAN! Dat baby stinky!” – while waving her hand in front of her face and wrinkling her nose up to indicate disgust.

I’ll second that

Ha.

That really stinks

Woman farts, plane diverted

Might want to be a little more specific next time

Yesterday I pulled a vinyl bib out of the washing machine load that I was about to put into the dryer. I always let that bib air-dry. Gabriel had followed me out to the laundry area, so I handed him the bib and asked him to go put it in the kitchen.

When I walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, there was the bib, laid carefully flat in the middle of the floor.

Rules of Austin

Someone had this posted on their Myspace blog and I thought it was cute … and very true. 

Rules of Austin
1. First, it’s pronounced AWS-TUN. It doesn’t matter how they say it in other places. 2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has its own set of traffic rules. There’s no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them. (If yer an aggressive driver, you reign. If yer not, just stay calm and try to stay outta the way.)

3. All directions start with “Go down Mopac…’cause you don’t want to get on I-35.” No one knows for sure what ‘Mopac’ means.

4. Burnet Road, Braker Lane, and Lamar Blvd. have no beginning and no end.

5. It is impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a scenic drive.

6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30p to 7:15pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a burnt-orange hue. This is Longhorn Country, after all.

8. If you like being an individual, don’t even think of working for Dell. You’ll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your Dell Tag around your neck or clipped on to your belt loop.

Ninety-eight percent of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says “Michael Dell”, Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth.

9. Just remember that Mopac = Loop 1; Capital of Texas Hwy = 360; and U.S.183 = Research Blvd., Anderson Lane, Ed Bluestein Blvd. and Old Bastrop Hwy; 2222 = Northland Dr. or Allendale Rd. or Koenig Lane. (Takes twice the brains to live here, see?)
***Also don’t forget Ben White/290/71 which also turns into Capital of Tx Hwy/Loop 360***

Don’t try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

10. If moisture is determined to be rain, and not sweat, all traffic must immediately come to a screeching halt; ditto for daylight savings time, a female UT student applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. (Geez, so true.)

11. DO NOT attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or SXSW (South by Southwest Music Convention). Construction on I-35 AND U.S. 183 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it!

12. Attn: All telephone solicitors…DO NOT correct my pronunciation when I say I live in Manchaca, TX. It’s pronounced MAN-shack (just like a man living in shack). Also realize that the city of Manchaca (MANshack) is in Hays and Travis Counties, and there is also a very long street in Austin named Manchaca (MANshack)!

The city of Manor and Manor Rd. are pronounced ‘MAY-ner’. We don’t like corrections on that either.

And, for God’s sake, DON’T pronounce the ‘E’ at the end of Guadalupe. It’s Gwada-LOOP and we like it that way!

13. Burnet Road is pronounced BURN-it, not Bur-NET. Koenig Lane is pronounced KAE-nig not KOE-nig. The old airport (Robert Mueller) is pronounced Robert Miller and is on Airport Boulevard. The new airport (Austin-Bergstrom) is no where near Airport Boulevard. It’s in the city of Del Valle pronounced Dell Valley!

14. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed ‘hippie’ in worn-out sandals and earrings is probably the latest millionaire around here. (Which means: be nice to all people under the sun. Yes, even the homeless guy on the corner.)

15. Stay away from the Congress Ave bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. It has the Largest Mexican Free Tail Bat Population in the US. (And its frikkin awesome to see them depart at dusk EVERYDAY to go munch on like 20 tons of insects. So cool. And much fewer mosquito bites for us!)

16. And, yes, we all know that there’s a man in a teddy and a tiara on Congress Ave. It’s Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do. Surely, you have a homeless, celebrity drag queen that likes to run for Mayor where you live, too, right?

Now you’ll never wonder why there are so many bumper stickers that say ‘Keep Austin Weird’

My ‘addiction’ is getting press. :)

Like here.

Like shooting fish in a barrel

Apparently Willie Nelson’s tour bus was pulled over and searched by the police recently and they found – you guessed it – pot. And ‘shrooms.

I am not exactly a huge fan of drugs, but I think our police manpower and tax dollars can be better spent than booking an old stoner … I say just leave Willie be.

Cute

Mikaela has been pronouncing light “yite.” In an effort to help her pronounce it correctly, I’ve been over-emphasizing the L, as in: “lllll-ight,” to which she replies “lllll – yite.”

Funny

Our minivan “dings” when the gas tank gets to the quarter-of-a-tank-left mark.

On the way home the other night, Jay exclaimed about how gas prices have plummeted. As if on cue, the car “dinged” as soon as he’d said that (like ‘ahem! speaking of gas!’).

Searching for something

As I’ve mentioned before, my blog host (WordPress) offers a neat little feature that lets you track your blog stats – visits, referrals, etc. – as well as what search engine terms that people used to get to your page.

A phrase that someone searched for yesterday made me laugh, – “my son eats his diaper.”

Can’t get a decent night’s sleep

My daughter is a spitfire – a little ball of spunk who causes people’s eyes to widen in surprise when they hear how LOUD she can be. And I mean LOUD.

Bedtime is no different. When she’s not ready to go to bed, she lets us know that she’s not happy. Jay and I have gotten good at tuning it out, but Gabriel shares a room with her and has a little bit of a harder time with that.

So, when she starts making a lot of noise at bedtime, Gabriel gets out of his bed, grabs his pillow, blanket and two stuffed animals that he sleeps with, walks down the hall, opens our door, and climbs up in our bed – all without a word. It just strikes me funny, especially to see the annoyed, sleepy look on his face as he walks from his room to ours.

I can’t wait to get a bigger place so they can each have their own room!

Sand, sun and seagulls

We just got back from a short jaunt to Port Aransas, TX. Port Aransas is on Mustang Island, across the Aransas Bay from the Texas “mainland.” Several boats ferry cars across to the island.

So, I’d been thinking recently that the kids would enjoy a trip to the beach. I’m still not sure they enjoyed it, but it sure was a hoot.

Language barrier

Yesterday I walked into an Exxon to buy a soda and made small talk with the Indian (dot not feather) man behind the counter. I wiped my brow and remarked on how hot it’s been. He nodded enthusiastically and said “yeah!”

A moment later, he said “It’s hot outside!”

Sigh.

I found my daughter with a sopping wet shirt twice yesterday. It was sticky and wet and looked like she’d spilled a large amount of juice on herself.

I went and turned her sippy cup upside down and shook it several times, to see if it was leaking. I did the same with her brother’s cup, to no avail. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how she got so wet.

Then, we went to the park last night to feed the ducks. Even though I had cooled it off for a couple of minutes, the car was still pretty hot when I put them in it, so I handed her a drink. She took a sip and promptly drooled it out of her mouth, as if she’d been shot full of Novocaine.

Now that I’ve solved the mystery, I have to figure out how I’m going to get her to stop! The more I seem to scold her about such things, she thinks it’s a game. But, it’s hard to ignore when she’s ruining her shirts. Guess it’s time to break out the bibs again.

This is just sad

Let me start off by saying I’m NOT a democrat. I’m not a republican either. My political beliefs are complex and I don’t really fit into either party. But that’s not what this post is about.

I just read an article full of nasty quotes by Fox’s PR department (see article below). This is ridiculous. If these people put as much brainpower and effort into something worthwhile, we’d surely have a cure for cancer by now … and heavens knows what else.

Before you start getting huffy and sending me quotes from the “other” news stations’ PR departments, let me say this: YES, I know, the pendulum swings both ways. Both sides are guilty in the endless, not-so-’civil’ war between the parties. It’s still just sad to me that our society has de-volved into this mess.

Fox Wishing Well

irony

Sometimes I get a wild hair, and you’d better get out of my way, because I want to do something, and I want it done NOW!

So, a couple of days ago, I went and bought the kids some new toys because they’ve outgrown most of the ones they have now.

hair

Mikaela has really bad hair. She has a swirly (forgive my lack of technical terminology) part/cowlick thingy in the front of her head, right above her forehead – and another in the back. It makes her hair really hard to deal with. Most times, her hair is hanging in her eyes.

So, a couple of days ago, I decided to blow her hair dry after her bath and style it with a round brush. I was hoping that styling it would keep it out of her eyes. Unfortunately, the end result made her look like a little Marty Stuart.

in bed

While I was in college, I went on a date with this guy I’d met through some mutual friends. He took me to a great Chinese restaurant. After our meal, he opened his fortune cookie and read it, followed by the words “in bed.”

Not yet familiar with this custom, I said, “You know, Ben, if you’re trying to send me subliminal messages, you need to work on being a little more subtle.”

He laughed and told me that everyone does that – you read your fortune and then add “in bed” to the end of it – and hilarity ensues. Or confusion.

Years later, I was eating Chinese with a group of friends, and we were reading our fortunes aloud. Barry’s eyes got as wide as saucers as he read: “You are good with horses.” To which the rest of us yelled “IN BED!” and howled with laughter.

This is an interesting custom. I wonder how it got started.

From the Wikipedia page on fortune cookies: 

“There is a common joke involving fortune cookies that involves appending “in bed”, “with a battle axe” or “between the sheets” to the end of the fortune, usually creating a sexual innuendo or other bizarre messages (e.g., “Every exit is an entrance to new experiences [in bed]” or “You will solve your greatest problem [with a battle axe]“) .”

… eh, not the greatest description. I’ll update this post when I can find a history of the phrase.

Raising boys

This was recently forwarded to me – I thought this was really cute. Yep, it sounds about right.

 RAISING BOYS
a)For those who have grown children – this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.