Free at last

I just ‘fired’ the rotten little boy I’ve been watching after he intentionally peed and pooped in his pants (3rd time this week) … this time, in Mikaela’s baby doll car seat. I’ve endured 6 weeks of disrespect, defiance, rudeness and extreme hyperactivity. I had just had my fill after what he did today.

At the same time, I felt bad. My personality makes me not want to disappoint people. I’m something between an overachiever and a perfectionist. I broke the news as gently as I could, then I gave her the numbers of two other local babysitters that I’d found on craigslist. Apparently this was not the first time he’s been “kicked out” of someone’s daycare.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with all of my free time now (ha). I’m sure I’ll get back to a better homeschooling schedule with Mikaela. And I hope I’ll be picking up more freelance work now that we’re entering the ‘end of the year crunch’ at the magazine I work for.

Remember me?

Hi, internet. I have missed you.

I am finished with my work project, so I’m allowing myself to blog again. I’ve been having withdrawals.

It’s been really hard the last couple of weeks. I’ve been working full-time hours out of my house while simultaneously trying to be a mom. Not the greatest combination. Nonetheless, I’m done and I’m going to try to enjoy some family time. Mikaela and I both have colds, so we’re a little miserable.

It’s dreary outside today, but tomorrow it’s supposed to get up to 75 here. Saturday it was so nice, Jay took the kids to the park. I am SO ready for spring.

I am exhausted from working late last night; I’ll write more soon once I collect my wits.

Aaaaaahhhhhh

I am basking in the afterglow of a finished assignment. I’ve been working almost constantly the last few days, and now I’m done. Please don’t ask me to say anything even half-intelligent; I fried my brain re-writing hundreds of headlines for a search-engine optimization (SEO) project.

Week 1, down

Well, I’m happy to say I have one full week of leaf-turning under my belt, and I’m happy to say that things are going pretty well so far. The major changes that I’ve made so far are sticking to a better schedule, getting the kids in a night-time routine again, keeping on top of the housework (mostly) and last but certainly not least – homeschooling the kids.

I’ve decided to start the homeschooling out really slowly – we only spend 30 minutes to 1 hour each weekday, the length of time depending on whether they’re getting sick of whatever we’re doing. I’ve decided to spend 1 week on each letter of the alphabet, and this week we’re on “B.” We’ve been naming words that start with “B,” coloring pictures of “B” words, tracing capital and lowercase Bs and singing songs about the letter, as well. They both know that B says “buh” and that B starts balloon, bird, bed, boy, ball, baby and bear…. but the letter tracing’s not going too well. It’s no big deal… they’re still so young. I’ll probably try to re-focus on handwriting in another year, when he’s 5 and she’s 3 1/2. I’m just mainly concerned with letter recognition and phonemic awareness (knowing what sounds the letters make), so we can get them on the road to reading. I was reading at the age of 4, but since Gabriel’s somewhat behind developmentally, it will probably be a while yet before he’s reading. I’ll be thrilled if he’s reading by 6.

Anyway, we are talking about some basic mathematic concepts, colors, shapes, opposites and some other things … but my main focus right now is the alphabet.

Early bird

I am a night person, but I occasionally flip-flop.

For instance, night before last, I only got a few hours’ sleep. So, last night I was completely wiped out by dinnertime. I wound up going to bed at 8:45 and getting up at 4 this morning. I’ve done laundry, cleaned, gone to take Jay to meet his carpool, and finished proofing a website and it’s only 9 am.

Of course, I’m probably going to hit a wall sometime this afternoon. I’ve got childcare duties tonight with our home group from church, so I guess I’ll have to have some (okay, lots of) caffiene to stay perky.

Finished

I’m completely finished with my freelance project that I’ve been immersed in for the last two months, which provokes two responses:

Yea! I’m done!

Oh, CRAP. I’m done.

I hope they decide to send some more stuff my way … this steady income has been nice.

Why do I do it?

I just finally finished with my sites for today’s deadline, 40 minutes until my time was up. I’ve been in don’t-talk-to-me-I’m-working-like-my-hair’s-on-fire mode all day. 

I think I’m a glutton for punishment.

Working

I worked 13 + hours today and I’m still not done. My deadline is tomorrow. Must sleep before I go permanently cross-eyed from looking at this computer.

Say a prayer I can get this all finished tomorrow …

Aaaaaahhhhh

It feels so refreshing to be finished with a big project.

I still have some ongoing work to do, but I’m finished with the biggest part of it – what a relief.

So, this work was due Monday, and I didn’t finish it until 3 am Monday morning. After getting the equivalent of a nap, I got up and went to my friend Christin’s house to run her in-home daycare for the day while she was traveling. Besides my kids, I was watching a 2 1/2-year-old girl and 2-year-old twin boys. The twins were only there part of the day. So, I had 4 2-year-olds and a 3-year-old. You know what I discovered? I don’t think I’m cut out for childcare. I mean, everything went fairly okay, but naptime was extremely difficult – for a whole hour, I had to keep telling the kids to lay down and close their eyes.

So after a long day, I came home and went to sleep when my kids went to bed at 9 pm. I had a very strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was in my car, speeding along on the highway, and the police started to follow me. I quickly turned into a crowded restaurant and went inside. I sat down at a table with some complete strangers and tried to blend in, but the police found me and hauled me off. They took me to some kind of a jail for women, and I was told I couldn’t get my paperwork processed to get out for two weeks. I kept crying because I wanted to go home and see my kids. It was such a vivid dream, when I woke up this morning, I said, “Oh, thank God!”

I feel like I should be working. I guess I’ll go clean the house or something.

I finished

I finally finished my *THUNK* (sound of head hitting keyboard)

zzzzzzz …..

Deadline Hell

… I’m in it. I need the work badly, but I could do without the stress. I guess that’s self-imposed, though.

I am longing to blog – I have so much to say, but I have a HUGE freelance project due Friday, then I’m running a friend’s home daycare center all day on Friday and again on Monday. I’m in a near state of hysteria over my deadline, so I’ll have to wait until I’m done to blog at length.

One piece of good news warrants this post: I went to the Oncologist (Cancer doctor) for my yearly follow-up checkup yesterday. The bloodwork is already back and it is “excellent,” according to my doc. That’s always great news.

More soon, if my head doesn’t explode.

A futile exercise

I’ve been struggling to work (I’m doing a freelance writing project for a magazine publisher) today, trying hard to coax a college-level vocabulary out of my tired brain. I really do think having kids makes your IQ drop. Not that I regret it in the least …

But I guess all those hours of kiddie TV have finally caught up with me. I could be a poster child for a new PSA-type commercial: This is your brain …. this is your brain on ELMO!

What I want to be when I grow up – Part II

So, I’ve decided to babysit kids in my home as a part-time job. I start watching two this week, and maybe another one soon thereafter. Five kids all together (including mine)? Piece of cake. Well .. ask me again after I’ve actually kept them for a whole day.

I’m still toying with the idea of going to nursing school p/t at night. At least it would give me another career to work towards when the kids are in school.

And that’s what this is all about … I just want to be here until the kids are in school full-time. And that’s 3 1/2 years away, give or take depending on preschool.

The little devil on my shoulder tells me that I’m throwing my current career away. And that may be true … but I just don’t care. Unless I can find another job situation that benefits my kids more than this … it just ain’t happenin’.

Let me back up and give some background here: I worked in the publishing industry for about six years, mostly in editing/writing. When I had my son in 2003, I started working out of my house (for the same company). It was a challenge, but it was workable with one child. After Mikaela was born in 2005, it’s been a different story, though: my dilemma has been that I need to earn money, but childcare for two kids is EXPENSIVE. I mean, $800 on the really low end and $1600 on the higher end.

So, after taking about 9 months off after Mikaela’s birth, I went back to work full-time in my field, working second-shift. I thought it was the perfect answer to our problems – a job that let my husband and I take on most of the childcare responsibilities ourselves (although we did use a babysitter for about 10 hours a week to cover the overlap in our work schedules).

What it ended up meaning is that my husband and I were both stressed because we were both working long hours and then being the kids’ sole childcare provider for all of our other waking hours. My husband and I rarely saw each other. The situation was just so stressful, it just got to the point where it wasn’t worth it. That combined with some personality conflicts at work .. and it just wasn’t working out.

So, this last May I started working out of my home doing freelance web design and marketing. Yes, I’m crazy. No, it didn’t work. No, I don’t know why I thought I could swing working at home while caring for TWO toddlers.

So, now I’ve decided to try the childcare-in-my-home route. It pays very little, but hey, I’ll be with my kids, and that’s worth much more than having a new car, or a house, or even nice clothes. It’s a season of my life … and as much as it hurts one part of me to step away from my career path, I’m embarking on something that feels a lot more important and significant in terms of the big picture. (So, then why don’t people value childcare providers more?)

What I want to be when I grow up

I was one of the really fortunate (blessed, really) ones: I got a great job while I was still in college, working for a company in the exact field I was going into – journalism. It was a great, family-friendly company, and I developed close relationships with many of my co-workers. Morale was great (at least when I started); the employees really believed in the company and its mission.

I spent five years there. What a first “real” job, huh?

Needless to say, it’s been hard finding the perfect second ”career” job after the bar’s been set so high. I know that I am a valuable asset to a company, and I’m holding out not only for the right money, but for the right position.

But after months of that, you start to question yourself, your motives, and your career choices. I’ve started wondering if I need to go back to school and get my nursing degree – there’s always a need for nurses.

I’ve been freelancing for a few months now, while simultaneously being a stay-at-home mom, and let me tell you, it’s darn near impossible to be productive with two toddlers running amok.

So, here I sit, in limbo again. Actually, I made a decision today to stop worrying about it and let God handle it. (I’ve applied to plenty of jobs, and there’s nothing else I can really do at this point.) He hasn’t let me starve to death yet (not even close), and I don’t reckon He’s going to start anytime soon. So, why do I worry like He might have forgotten me, or fallen asleep or something?

Actually, I think I had an epiphany today. I think the problem I’ve had the last couple of years lies in my focusing on the problem and not on the Answer.

WAHM

That's work-at-home-mom to those of you not in the loop.

Anyway, I 'is' one.

Everyone always coos "OHHH! You're SO lucky!" when they hear about my job.

It IS a good gig, but, like any other job, it's not without its own unique set of problems. I'll break it down for anyone in the market: